Food and body image used to consume me. I grew up believing that being thin gave me a sense of control and accomplishment. What started as a simple interest in being healthier, led me down a path of eating disorders for many years.

I spent most of my time and energy obsessing over my body and calculating every bite of food, anxiously making up for unplanned calories with excessive exercise, purgeing, and restriction. I felt powerless, disconnected from life and relationships, and blind to the fact that this was all a misguided attempt to meet my needs. 

“Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change”

When I finally committed to recovery, I had convinced myself that I could still hang onto some of my behaviors AND recover. I had one foot in recovery, the other in my eating disorder. But then I relapsed. Then relapsed again and again. And while it felt hopeless at times, it was the slivers of freedom that kept me fighting for recovery. 

Now…

Thanks to the discovery of a dietitian, therapy, and no longer willing to allow my eating disorder to control every aspect of my life, I have a freedom and confidence with eating that I never thought was possible.

There are no more rules, “bad” foods, weighing myself, counting calories, calculating macros, or obsessing over what and when I’m going to eat each day. 

I’ve learned to attune to my physical and emotional needs, and connect to my values, while incorporating the sound principals of nutrition science- not what’s trending.

Change didn’t happen overnight.

And it wasn’t easy or straightforward. It took facing the emotions and fears my eating disorder was managing for me, support from others, a willingness to feel discomfort, and a longing for more than what the eating disorder promised. I learned that I’m more in control of my life when I take care of myself.