What Might Your Eating Disorder be Protecting You From?
We never know what curveballs life is going to throw at us, and while we think we can somehow prepare ourselves, when they hit, we often realize how little control we really have in our ability to deal with them head on.
This is not to say that we can’t ground ourselves in faith, positive thoughts, and a belief in our ability to overcome hardships, but the point is, there’s not a dress rehearsal for life events.
Saying goodbye…
My husband and I said goodbye to the love of our lives recently, our sweet dog, Allie. And while I knew it was coming, nothing could have prepared me for the pain and heartbreak I would experience. She was my baby, and her loss has left an emptiness inside of me that I’m still trying to comprehend.
During these painful seasons, it’s tempting to distract from and try to push down the grief and heartache, but I’ve learned over the years that the only way out of the pain is through it. Which is why the greatest gifts we can give ourselves are those of grieving and tender self-care.
I closed my computer, put on my sweatpants, and laid on my couch. I embraced the loss, crying when I needed, and moving at a pace through my day that met me where I was. I said no when I needed to and didn’t pretend that I was okay, because I wasn’t, and am still not.
Feeling sets you free
For most of my life, I used to be terrified to feel certain emotions. I had come to believe that I couldn’t handle them or that I’d get stuck in them if I allowed them to be felt. As a result, I needed an outlet so I turned to counting calories, obsessing over my weight, and chasing every last food fad I could find.
Doing so kept me from feeling. It gave me something to control, and in my mind, as long as I had the “perfect” body I had a sense of security and could keep life in order. Oh how wrong I was.
Fast forward to dozens of therapy sessions later and I now know that feeling my emotions and letting them move through me is not only healing, but freeing. It also helped me to set my body free so it was no longer held responsible for letting me down or disappointing me.
It doesn’t mean I won’t feel the pain of Allie’s loss for months and months to come, but it does mean that I allow my mind and heart to touch into that pain so that I can process it and move forward.
Not allowing an emotion to do so, can keep it trapped inside of us, and in my case, taking the shape of eating disorders, which is simply our minds’ and bodies’ misguided attempts to protect and comfort ourselves from what they view as a threat.
I don’t know where you all are today. Perhaps you too are struggling with heartache, loss, or are just going through a difficult time. And no matter what, I encourage you to meet yourselves where you are, and allow for what needs to be felt.
A good cry? Kind, supportive words from a friend or family member? Saying no to something or someone? A hug? Or maybe just an evening on your couch.
No matter what it is, I encourage you to be tender, gentle, and kind with yourself and to connect with the deepest, inner most part of yourself that needs you right now; see what’s there waiting for you
In warmth,
Lindsey
