Eating Disorder Recovery: HARD but Worth it
15 years ago, if you would have told me that I’d be where I am today, there’s no way I would have believed you. Food and body image used to CONSUME me. And in the beginning years of my eating disorder, I was okay with that. It felt like it set me apart, giving me something to be good at, and gave me a sense of achievement. And when I was stressed, it helped me feel like I had more control over my emotions. I even liked that people would refer to me as a health nut and disciplined, and I took pride in being able to rattle off the calorie counts in every food. Why would I ever want to give my eating disorder up?
But eventually, that illusion of control and success started to crumble.
I began obsessing over every bite of food, calculating the calories and macronutrients to make sure they were just right, and if they weren’t, my day was then devoted to making up for the overage or imbalance, at the expense of my time, energy, schoolwork, and relationships.
I couldn’t eat pizza or dessert without bingeing or drowning myself in guilt and fixating over how I could make up for what I ate the next day.
I distinctly remember staring at a pan of brownies and thinking,
“There’s no way I’ll ever be able to eat just one like a normal person. It’s either none or the whole pan.”
I felt completely out of control and terrified at the thought that this was just the way my life was going to be.
And while I felt pretty hopeless there for a while, I decided that I had to try to get better- I wasn’t willing to live my life like that anymore.
So, even though it felt like I was crawling through cement, I reached out for help and began inching myself towards the freedom I longed for.
And it took a long time. Longer than I imagined. And it was HARD.
When I finally committed to recovery, I had convinced myself that I could still hang onto some of my behaviors AND recover. I had one foot in recovery, the other in my eating disorder.
But then I relapsed. Then relapsed again and again and again. And while it felt so deflating each time, it was the slivers of progress and freedom that kept me going, and fighting for recovery.
Little by little, binges became less frequent because I was now allowing the foods into my life that I restricted for so long.
I was able to slow down my purges because I was bingeing less, and using skills to help me sit with discomfort or distract myself.
And I was finally learning how to eat for my body’s needs and wants, understanding what a balanced, adequate, and satisfying meal really was. Oh, and that I was allowed to feel satisfied.
AND I FELT BETTER.
“All the things that are worth doing, take time.”
Recovery from an eating disorder or disordered eating takes time, support, and mostly a willingness to be uncomfortable and face your fears.
The journey will not go as planned. It’s one that will ebb and flow and likely bring up emotions and parts of yourself that you didn’t even know were there- this is often the stuff that your eating disorder was trying to manage.
Some days will feel as though you’ve gone one step forward only to find yourself two steps back, but that’s part of the process, not a sign that you’re doing something wrong, but perhaps where you may still be holding onto your eating disorder- and that’s okay.
At the core of eating disorders is a sense of safety, control, achievement, purpose, and can even be a way to manage emotions or stress, but despite how much we think they help us, they hurt more than they help. Eating disorders are “expensive.”
Forward is forward
Even if it comes with some back peddling, I promise you, it will be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
Think about where you are on your journey and where you want to be…
Do you feel like you’re stuck because the path seems so long and bumpy? Maybe even hopeless because of past attempts or experiences.
What would it look like to just take one small step forward?
There are people out there wanting and waiting to help you.
